I Will Let You Down
by JustAlicia
Summary: She was her mother's experiment, and he… he was someone she couldn't destroy. Not because she couldn't, but because she didn't want to. Kurapika/OC tw: anorexia
1. Unreal

**Chapter 1: Unreal**

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_We all have a reason to keep going, for some people is looking for that something what keeps them going._

* * *

More than one asked themselves what was on the right path. That sweet smell that filled all their senses and tempted them to turn into the opposite direction. But none of them was that much of a fool to not follow the group, or at least that's what she thought… until she heard that scream. It was clear, someone entered the tunnel, perhaps looking for a shortcut o believing that something marvellous may be there. Big mistake.

It's not like she was a morbid person or anything like that, but she was dying to know who decided to go in there; she was curious to see what was the weakness that will torture them until death. Everyone has their weaknesses, and watching how people can get consumed by it until there's nothing left is something she has enjoyed her whole life.

It's a shame that the intersection was so far away by now, she knew it very well, she was too lazy to turn back and then walk by again; there's nothing left but waiting until the next person falls into the temptation of the right path. Because she was sure about that, there's not much left until someone falls into madness again.

...

Her lips parted into a tiny smile when she heard the next scream, a name being repeated by two voices over and over again. Leorio? It seems like someone went back for him. How brave. How foolish. There was not much left until someone falls again.

It would really have been a funny show to watch, specially when she heard the second scream; one of the rescuers needed to be recued.

The name of the second person was said, although in a much lower voice, with a concerned tone; the idea of a friend being consumed for the hallucinations in front of your own eyes, that suffering in their eyes and the words that they may be whispering against an invisible threat

_"Tsk, why didn't I go back? It's a shame to miss this show."_

…

Then she heard something that really caught her attention, a… explosion? Yes, she was sure about that. Did that mean someone blow themselves up? Interesting, not many reached that point but definitely…

The place trembled with such force that even the examiner stopped, a light emerged from the cracks that began to form across the wall, which ended up being blown up into pieces just to open a path for four people that emerged after a few seconds. Wait. Four? That means not all were affected by the smell.

One of them walked with rage filling up his body towards N°16. Probably he was one of the people that were on the verge of madness.

"Leorio, stop." She just confirmed that her mother was right when she told her that temperamental people always have something in their past that leads them to act like that. The moment when she recognized that name as the first one being called she knew that he was the first one to lose it.

_"Getting fooled by Tompa… what an idiot."_

"There's always obstacles in exams." She recognized that voice, he was the second one to scream, but there was something wrong about this; the boy's calmness. After re-living their worst memory in the most torturous way possible he was still being able to stand straight, without hesitating and thinking in a coherent way, even more than any of the other presents… it seemed impossible in her eyes.

When they picked up the pace she couldn't help her vision wander towards that duo.

"So, you ended up being a liar after all." It's all about that. The older of the two has revealed things about himself with his mental breakdown, now he was exposed in another sense—but the way the other one was talking to him, it wasn't a threat, it wasn't mockery. "I hope you make it." And, no matter how little importance she wanted to give into his words, she knew it was way more that that. "No. I mean as a doctor…" Yes, that boy was definitely an interesting person.

_"Maybe I should keep an eye on him, it could be fun." _She told herself before noticing that they had already crossed the finish line

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**Hey there! Ok, so, here's the thing, I originally wrote this in Spanish, like five or more years ago, and recently I decided to continue it before I have to go back to IP (again). I'm translating it to English because I have way too much free time and also I'd love some feedback. This is not precisely a good fic but I promise it gets better after chapter 3. I'm really hard to make it sounds coherent, but English is not my first language so I apologize if it gets messy at any point, I'm trying my best to prevent that from happening. **

**Anyways, hope y'all have a nice day !**


	2. Appraising

**Chapter 2: Appraising**

"He's lying! I'm the real examiner!"

They all knew something like that may happen, or at least everyone wanted to believe they were prepared for that. But none of them were. The tiredness after running that much was affecting them already, their reasoning abilities were fogged and they became able to believe something like that, overlooking all the incoherence in what that man was saying.

She perfectly knew that everything was a farce, but her mind wasn't on helping the others to discover it, she was focused on how everyone could react or, more exactly, on how that blond boy could react. She couldn't help it, but her attention wandered towards the calmness that he reacted with before, but now it was different. Will he be able to not get his judgment clouded by the group mentality?

"Maybe this is part of the exam." Until that point nobody was sure of who that boy was, but his comment changed the air in such a sudden way that the threat that hovered over the examiner turned into a total doubt.

"There's a way to find out," that's what she was waiting for, the words of that boy, the idea of how cold his mind could remain in front of that situation. "If he's the real examiner he should have a Hunter's Licence." That was the more coherent comment she has heard since the exam started. A smile cracked on her lips.

There wasn't much before someone could do anything about it. The impostor was dead.

Clearly, Hizoka wasn't wrong when he said that his way was quicker, but she knew he didn't make it to let the exam keep going or anything like that; he did it because there wasn't much time left until his urges to kill will overpower him.

Don't stay near him.

That's what everybody needed to do, not stay near. But the curiousness of that lady for the N404 was too big; after seeing him under psychological and analytical pressure she wanted to see his reaction in a physical fight.

She lowered down her pace a little before they separated from the group between the fog; she wasn't sure when he was going to attack, and she needed to find a way to react. She would have said that she was luckier than she expected; the first attack was too simple, too straight to the point. He just threw his cards. _Four of Cloves and Queen of Hearts._

Her eyes wandered through every person that was attacked too, not many were lucky but, hey! There was that boy, weapons in his hands, defensive position, without a scratch. A smile appeared on her lips. He knew it was a good idea to keep distance instead of running like the others; he knew that, no matter how many of them decided to attack Hizoka, they didn't stand a chance.

The girl regretted not staying closer to the other ones, now she was going to be the next pray whilst everyone else ran. "You are next." His melodious voice and tentative pace told her the truth; he wasn't fighting for real, he was just playing for a while. She knew she could use that on her favour; with calmness she raised her left hand, showing him the two cards that were thrown at her. "Oh?" She didn't know if it was good or bad that his grin grew wider, but this will be interesting for sure. "You are pretty good."

Hizoka wasn't a person that was hard to read, she knew that since the moment he went for the first punch, but she knew his mind was something she couldn't manipulate with easiness. She couldn't win in a physical fight, but she knew exactly what he was looking for, and the odds of coming out alive were higher than anyone would expect.

"You bastard!" External factors. The girl just spent a few seconds dodging the punches, but she didn't consider Leorio's impulsiveness, who now was ready to attack, with a pretty decadent weapon in one of his hands—but with such a stubbornness driving his actions, even though he could have saved his own life by just running away.

The girl faded into the background, turning into a mere viewer. Nonetheless, she wasn't sure about which of the following events caught here attention the most; that Gon decided to go back to rescue his friends, getting hit by Hizoka in the way; that Kurapika didn't run away, having the chance; or that Hizoka decided to turn around, carrying an unconscious Leorio, affirming that all of them 'approved' his exam.

"Gon! Are you alright?" A few second passed before he could answer, even though he only did it by nodding. "What about you?" She didn't answer, her eyes firmly focusing on the boy.

"We need to follow them before we run out of time." Said the black-haired boy as he stood up; Kurapika nodded and grabbed his bag. "I'm so sorry but I don't know where's the finish line anymore." He admitted with a hint of shame to the girl that was just standing there, without doing or saying anything. Eventually she smiled and pointed in the direction she saw Hizoka ran towards to. Slowly she stared to run in that way, waiting for the other two to follow her. It wasn't long until they did. "Who are you? Are you hurt?"

She pondered for a moment about what to say; she had a good chance to get closer to someone so she could have a little fun. He was the one that didn't scream in the tunnel, right? Although there must be something that tortures him inside. Everyone has a something.

"I'm alright, thanks to you and your friend." Were the first words that left her mouth since the exam started. Trying to make it look as natural as possible she gently smiled.

"My name is Gon. I'm 12." He said in such a cheerful way that it was hard to believe he just fought against death, or something like that. The girl pondered the information. 12, it's an age when the mind is confused; perhaps he would fall with ease.

"What about you?" She turned around to the blond that was just staring at her. "What's your name? How old are you?" He didn't seem to be that interested in answering those questions, but he didn't refuse either.

"They say it's a lack of manners to ask without introducing yourself first." There was a small pause where you could feel the hint of mockery, both in his words and smile. "My name is Kurapika." She didn't look away since the answer was still incomplete. He looked away trying to ignore her, but it wasn't much than a few second before he sighed with resignation, completing the sentence. "Almost 17." He turned again towards the girl.

"Mm." After all he was still a teenager, not impulsive enough like most, but a teenager nonetheless. "Mika. Soon I'll turn 15." She knew that both of them had their eyes on her… it's not like her appearance was easy to ignore. "Is something wrong?" It was incredible how the worriedness and the innocence in her voice seemed completely real. Maybe that's why Kurapika decided to let let go any question he may have had. But Gon didn't.

"It's just that…"

_"__Is he really going to say it out loud? Well, being a 12 year old kid he may not be completely conscious of the weight in his words."_

"You are even more pale than Killua." It wasn't an accusation; it was just a comment. And he said it with a laugh! For a minute she wondered if he was just fooling around with her, but she knew it wasn't like that.

She ended up laughing too, there wasn't a real reason as for why he obviated the important part, but rather decided to focus on a triviality like her skin tone. _"Too innocent."_

But she knew Kurapika wouldn't really let it pass.

**Author's note: something I've noticed is this story is pretty slow at the beggining, it wasn't until I started to write again that it began to speed up a little bit. Tomorrow or the day after I'm posting the third chapter, when there's a little more interaction. After that it speeds up a lot. I don't really like the first two chapters, I wish I could rewrite them, but it's from mistakes that we learn.**

**Also, I should mention that this is based on the 1999s anime, I needed it to be specifically for that because of reasons that are finally clear at the end of chapter 6 and developed during chapter 7**


	3. Joined

**Chapter 3: Joined**

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"The next round will start today's afternoon."

_Before that there are a few things that happened, and I'm not sure if they are worth mentioning. But it doesn't matter._

_To begin with, we arrived at the last second. However, that's not what they seemed to care about; they were mostly worried about their friend. Hizoka was just there, standing in the crowd and, with a smile that seemed like glee mixed with satisfaction, he pointed at one of the trees._

_It was mostly exaggerating things, Kurapika was right; besides from his arm everything seemed fine, Leorio's face was just swollen, it wasn't worth it to worry about that._

_The funny thing was the way his mind blocked his memories about what happened in the swamp. If he ever got back in touch with those memories the rage might overpower him again, ending up on him doing something stupid. She didn't know him that well, but his explosive temper was more than obvious._

_"It's better if we don't tell him." Kurapika whispered; both of us nodded but… did I say the truth? It depends on what happens next, for now let's just say yes._

"There's almost an hour until that." Leorio complained. _"Impatient."_

"It's better if you use that time to gather up some energy. They might attack us at any minute and it's better to have the strength to defend yourself." The idea of being attacked was something everyone was thinking about, but few of them got to the idea of actually gathering up some energy. Once the body loosens up it might be a good idea to not let it cool down, that might be what the others were thinking.

"What are you talking about, Kurapika? If I stop for longer I'm going to lose all the energy I have now!" In the end, she was right.

He knew it was not worth it to argue with Leorio, he was way too stubborn to see the truth, so he preferred to retract a bit from the group and lay down against a tree to look at the people that managed to past the first part of the exam.

148, that's the number he counted, 149 if he included himself. He wondered for a second about what the second part may be about, but he knew that it'd only be unnecessarily psychologically draining, se he put that thought away. For a moment she felt tempted to see what would happen if she forced him in a subtle way to return to that idea, but she preferred to take that moment to discover a little more about him. What made him scream in the tunnel?

"Hey," she said, standing in front of him. "Can I sit down?" He simply nodded. The girl knew, he had his doubts about who she really was. "How do you feel after what happened?" Kindness and concern, that's what she was putting in her voice.

"I could ask you the same thing." His tone didn't connote anything in particular, however his smile was a clear mock. She reminded herself to not get out of the character she had created; that girl, careless when it comes to life, but not when it comes to other people.

"But I asked first." Was her answer, with innocent mockery in each of her words.

"I guess I'm a bit calmer," he said after a sigh. "What about you?"

"Hey, why did you decide to become a Hunter?" Her expression didn't look as if she was trying to avoid his question, but rather something that surged spontaneously.

"Mm? I thought it was your turn to answer." He raised an eyebrow as he looked for her eyes.

"Oh, well, it's like I can finally breathe in peace." Lies. One of the biggest lies she has told since the beginning of the exam; she knew she won't be completely calm until she could finally see _her_, but her way of saying it made it seem so real. "Alright, now it's your turn to answer."

"I think my motive is too personal to answer you." Again he let his gaze wander through all of the presents, attempting to avoid that girl.

"What if I answer first?" That caught his attention. Was she really that interested in knowing?

"I can't assure you anything." He turned around to face her, doubting a bit about what she may be looking for with that.

"I'll take the risk." The girl's smile vanished with a sigh. "I knew that my mother was going to be a part of this exam," she said almost with melancholy. "I just wanted to see her again after all this time." A bitter smile appeared on her lips. "It's silly, looking for her I mean. It's been 3 years already."

"Who…? Why did you two separate?" He was very careful with his words; perhaps she caught his attention too.

"Mm? No, now it's your turn." Her smile appeared again, almost as if she had calmed down just by answering his question. "Relax, I know you didn't assure me anything. You are not obligated to answer me." But she knew that with those simple words he would end up telling her.

"I'm the last survivor of the Kuruta Clan. Five years ago…" He stopped for a moment; she didn't look away, carefully watching each one of his reactions. "Five years ago my whole clan was massacred by the Genei Ryodan… that's why I want to become a Hunter, to capture them." His hands tensed a little, something she couldn't help but notice. That's when she knew, the visualization of the massacre was what broke him down in the tunnels.

_"Genei Ryodan…" She repeated out loud. "You do know that'd be almost a suicide, right?" He was about to answer but she simply kept going. "I don't say it for what you are aiming for, but as for what path you may need to walk through. Tell me, "and she knew with this she may… "What are you willing to do?"_

No. Nothing of that happened. It was only the girl's imagination; instead she decided to carefully choose her words.

"I think…"

"What happened to your mother?" She never got to finish her sentence. She didn't know if he interrupted her to deflect the subject or if he was actually interested in knowing—but if he wanted to prolongate things, then so be it.

"I think it's something too personal to answer you." She snickered, repeating his words. He smiled. "Maybe if you tell me the full reason."

"The… full reason?"

"I know you are telling the truth, but you are not telling me the details; I can see it in your eyes." For a moment he thought it was a silly explanation, but he remembered that that's something he used to do… when he had someone to do it with… his hands tensed again and for a second he felt them tremble, but if it really was like that it didn't last long as for any nervousness fade away at the moment her hand held his. "I already told you, you are not obligated to tell me."

He didn't know how did she do it, with those simple words, irradiate such trust into him; it simply didn't make sense, it's like he couldn't lie to her. There was no point in doing so.

"The reason why the Kuruta Clan was massacred was because—" He didn't manage to finish, she had lifted her free had, with a pointed finger, to her lips in a sign of telling him to remain quiet.

"You don't have to." She whispered before fully resting on the tree, closing her eyes. He watched her for a couple of seconds; it didn't make any sense! After insisting so much in hearing his story she just held back, as if she didn't want to push him into a bad place. He repeated himself that it didn't make any sense, that that girl was crazy… he shook his head and imitated her actions, lying against the tree and closing his eyes. He didn't notice they were still holding hands.

She half smiled. He just entered in her game.

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**Author's note: First of all I want to thank YourHomeGirlJen for letting me know that I left a paragraph in spanish on the last chapter, I'm gonna proof read more carefully to prevent that from happening again.**

**And I want to thank AmyRose for giving me support about how my English will get better with time.**

**But, hey! Now we finally get some sort of interaction between the characters, it was about time. Next chapter is better, I promise—and it's also the longest one by far. And, personally, I like from the fifth chapter on, probably because I had the chance to develop more the eating disorder part. Speaking of which, next Saturday I leave so they can lock me up again, it's going to be about 6 months so I won't be updating for a looong while.**

**Anyways, take care!**


	4. Weakness

**Chapter 4: Weakness**

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Is it possible to lift such a huge pig when you barely have the strength to stand still? For a second she wished she was a Manipulation user, or at least an Enchantment one. But failing right now would be as disappointing as humiliating, just like kicking that animal knowing that she doesn't has a chance. What was left then?

She sighed and sat on the floor, looking at the prey she just killed. That wasn't hard, at all, but having to lift it… that was a different thing. The idea of not being able to do it didn't embarrass her, but the idea of failing… well, that is shameful. What options are left?

She rolled her eyes and stood up, not walking more than a few meters before finding this other girl, desperately trying to knock out one of those pigs.

"Am… is everything ok?" She asked, unsure if she heard her or not. Apparently she didn't hear, or at least she preferred to ignore her. "You need to hit it on the forehead!" She said, using her hands as a speaker to make sure that this time she'd be heard. Almost as a reflex she did what she was told; the beast fell down and the girl with the number #246 used her sleeve to wipe away the sweat on her forehead.

"Hey, thank you for that." She smiled and got closer to shake hands with the black-haired girl. "My name is Ponzu."

"Mika, so very nice to meet you."

"Mm? You sound so formal!" She said with a laugh. "You don't have to be like that. But why are you still here? Did you already pass the exam?"

"Oh… no. I think the exam ends here for me." She lowered her head, turning away from any critical look.

"And why is that? You knew how to defeat one of those." She pointed to the animal that was laying down on the ground, waiting to be cooked.

"Mm… but I don't have the strength to life it up." The part about the strength wasn't a lie. She turned around and started walking towards where she came from. "I wish you good luck." But the part about the exam ending there for her, that was definitely a lie.

"Wait!" Mika suppressed a smile and turned around, falsely looking confused. "Do you know how to cook them so they taste nice?"

"Uh? Yeah, it's pretty easy."

"Let's make a deal." The confusion was big, or at least that's what she made it look like; so she made a small gesture, inviting Ponzu to continue. "I'll carry them if you cook them."

"But… that'd be unfair to you, they are so heavy and—"

"What are you talking about! You already helped me once, and if you cook them then that'd be you helping me again." She closed her eyes as she said that, sounding a bit like a know-it-all. "Also, I'm stronger than you think" Mika ended up nodding as she smiled.

_"Like I was going to fail."_

The black-haired girl searched into her pocket until she found a skein of yarn. "First we need to wrap them with the string and hang them from a tree." After seeing Ponzu´s confused look she decided to explain a little better. "If you use a stake or anything similar they'd end up having a bitter taste.

"And how is that _that_ supposed to support the weight?"

"Uh? It's not a normal string." She half smiled without saying anything else about the subject. "And if you could hit that rock over there…" It was incredible the easiness with how it broke, crumbling into pieces that turned into a dark grey colour. "They work even better than coal."

After making an improvised bonfire below the pigs they simply sat down, waiting. But the older of them wasn't the type of person that loses the opportunity to talk.

"It's to meet another girl in here, there aren't many."

"One out of fifteen."

"What?"

"That's it, one out of fifteen aspirants is a woman."

"Did you really count them? That means there are…" She started to count with her fingers, trying to guess how many women there were. She didn't have much luck.

"Twenty-seven." She smiled, closing her eyes, although her attention was still on the other girl.

"Mm, you are good with maths."

"Maybe that can compensate for my lack of physical strength." Both of them laughed and kept talking for a while. Mika wasn't that much of a fan when it came to silly and senseless talks, it was weird for her to feel comfortable at all in those type of situations, and certainly she wasn't used to dealing with teenager subjects. Because if there's something that she hates is to talk about things she doesn't fully understands. "They are ready."

"What are you talking about? Shouldn't we turn them over? They look way paler on the top than at the bottom."

"I know, but the process of cooking is a bit different. The heat expands quickly through their bodies and the skin at the top is thicker, so if the top part was more toasted that that, well, that'd mean they'd be dry on the inside."

"And you also know about cooking!"

Finally, Ponzu was right, she was strong enough to carry both pigs and, for some reason, when they arrived there wasn't any other aspirant in sight. Maybe that's why the examiners went straight to the girls. Menchi couldn't help but smile.

Both girls couldn't help but staring in amazement as Buhara devorated the food. Mika hated the idea of seeing that; her life, all ruled by what her mother said, even though knowing she was just one more of her _patients_, brought her to a point were seeing that could only generate repulsion. She surely could have thrown up if there were any food in her stomach.

Almost unconsciously she brought her hand to her wrist, wrapping it around with her fingers. They didn't fit well, there was way too much free space to make a perfect circle—and that's how it should be, a huge gap between her wrist and her fingers. That's why those words couldn't help but resonate in her head, just like the impulse to curse her mother.

"It was delicious!" That's what brought her back to reality, that was the approbation for them to move to the next round.

"Mm, I didn't expect any of you to know how to cook them right." The female examiner smiled and gave the girl a pat on the back.

There wasn't much time until a big group of aspirants arrived, ready to be approved. But, if Mika was right, for how they cooked the pigs they'd probably won't taste as good… and yet, that didn't matter as for every aspirant ended up passing the exam.

All of that, it didn't make any sense. Eating 70 pigs? It was crazy, but even more than that, Mika was having troubles to supress her nausea. She retracted a bit from the group and ended up lying against a tree, as for she thought she wouldn't be able to stand staright in any other way. She felt the bile creeping up her throat, but that's it. She doesn't throws up, she was taught to never throw up.

"Miss Mika?" She turned around to look at the twelve-year-old boy. "Do you feel alright?"

"Gon? Of course I feel alright." That characteristic fake smile she had appeared, erasing any sign of feeling unwell. "Tell me, did you pass?"

"Of course!" A proud smile appeared on his face, but it didn't last long until he posed his gaze on her again. "You look so pale, are you feeling ill?"

"Uh? You said a while ago that I was even paler—"

"Leorio!" Without allowing her to finish he decided to call for his friend, who was standing in the crowd, a few meters away.

"What do you want?!" It was clear that he didn't have any intentions to go closed, and instead he decided to continue the conversation in screams.

"I need you to come here!" She closed her eyes, her ears staring to hurt for the loud voices.

"Right now I ca—" He couldn't finish his sentence, as for he ended up being dragged by Kurapika who, standing next to him, was also bothered by the sound level. "Hey! What do you think you're doing?"

"Your screams are annoying."

At first she was unnoticed by both of them. She never was the one to stand out at first sight, almost as if she could mix into the shadows and pretend she doesn't exists. But as soon as someone looked at her, really looked at her, it was a fact that they won't be able to ignore her… although not for a good motive.

The first one to notice her was Kurapika, and yet, he didn't say anything and did what the rest of the world tends to do; watch her from head to toe with a critical look. She looked at him with doubt and ended up smiling. That wasn't enough for him.

"I told you I couldn't come now! What do you…?" He remained silent for a couple of seconds after noticing the girl's presence. "Un, Gon… who is she? And what does she looks like she's about to faint?"

"Faint?" She said, confusion on her face. "The truth is that I feel quite well… oh, and my name is Mika, nice to meet you." A friendly smile and a handshake. "Sir, and you name is…

"That's too formal." She was sure about the uncomfortableness she just created

_"Maybe he doesn't likes to be remembered about his age…_" A couple of thoughts about why that may bother him crossed the girl's mind, but she discarded them after finding them pointless.

"Leorio." Was his answer, but his expressing turned into something serious. Or is it that he was evaluating her?

At this point, she already has had troubles to differentiate a reaction from another one, as for they happened so quickly and at such similar times that they ended up looking almost the same. Feeling that gaze, following her from head to toe, it made her uncomfortable. She was on the verge of hitting him for the mere fact of doing so…

"Are you sure you are feeling alright?" … or maybe for asking that.

"Mm, I think I'm just a bit tired, that's all." She sighed and stood straight to corroborate her point. "It was just a one-moment-thing"

It was obvious that none of them believed her, normally nobody did, but that picture perfect of a fragile girl was her part in the play. Although there were things that none of them would dare to mention.

"Don't you want a medicine or—?"

"The second part is about to start, it's better if we go closer." They could have considered her a coward for deflecting the subject and walking away, but that was the best answer; both for the fact of sticking to that personality and for not having to continue with the possible talk that could end up in nothing but accusations.

The tumult of the approved aspirants were waiting for the next challenge, nobody knew what may come, but all of them were confident enough to believe they could pass. But any trace of confidence faded away at the minute the examiner announced the next dish.

The whispers filled the place quickly and, at the moment they entered the room, they stopped being just whispers. Everyone felt completely lost at the thought of the possible… no, Hanzo knew it, and he wasn't good at dissimulating it. She wondered if it would be good to move quicker than him. The answer was obvious, but she knew the others may follow her if she left the place.

But there's something she ignored; not all of the aspirants were idiots.

Or at least one of them wasn't.

He wasn't desperate or anxious, he was simply looking at the materials placed in front of him. Taking the theory to practice is harder than it looks like, specially if you have never seen what you are trying to re-create.

_"Should I help him?"_ It was her turn to glare and evaluate someone. It didn't seem like he was going to have troubles, he had an idea, that's for sure. _"He can manage it on his own."_ And no matter how much she wanted to prolongate the game, it was clear that it won't take much time until—

"And where are we supposed to find fish in the middle of the forest?!"

_"Oh, no."_

The yelling ended up on some sort of marathon to see who would go faster to the river to get some fish and then go back to the cooking station to guess how to cook it. Of course none of them had much luck with that. The examiner had refused to take a single bite; everything was simply too gross to even look at. _"The presentation is as important as the flavour."_ She repeated, but no one seems to listen.

She won't deny it, the taste of her dish can't be that good, she didn't have any way of comparison of what may give it a nice flavour. That's why they told her to repeat it… she didn't feel bad with herself, she didn't have a way to know how this may taste like, but having to try it over and over again did bother her. And yet, when the examiner said _"I'm full."_ Without approving any piece of sushi, no, without approving _her_ piece of sushi, she felt the anger (or maybe the desperation) overpowering her. Who does she think she is to not allow anyone to pass?... _"Oh, sure, the crazy examiner that almost no one can satisfie her desires."_

It didn't take much until the complains started to appear, and one after another started to repeat that how was it possible to end the exam that way. _"It doesn't matter what you say, I don't have any intention to change the results_." Was what she answered, and the screams grew bigger, the tension floating in the air, and it wasn't much until someone imposed to her.

How much can one get offended when they mock your profession? Never as much as Menchi did in that moment. Was that the reason why the Head of the Exam Commission appeared? It didn't really matter as for that was just a benefit for them… more or less.

For some of them it was a tragedy, they ended up being dragged by the river. No one knows where they are going to end up. For others it was a deception, not daring to jump and having to stand there, looking as one person after another came back with an egg. However, for a small group of people, that was the opportunity they needed to approve to enter the next stage.

"Here we have a common egg, and here a Spider Eagle egg. ¡Compare them!"

Mika felt how the nausea that tormented her a couple of hours ago was now back; she fake smiled at the moment they announces that 43 people approved the exam, and she went looking for one of the failed ones that looked particularly sad to give them her egg and wish them good luck the next year. She stepped back a little bit and tried not to collapse on the floor, she thought that she may faint at the moment her vision became blurry but, before having a moment to get used to the idea, someone put his hand in her shoulder, forcing her to turn around.

"It's be stupid to ask if you feel well," he said with an expression far too serious for the girl's liking. "What I do care about is the why for your sudden discomfort." She blinked several times in an attempt to see straight and looked up at the boy.

"I'm just tired, I think I need to sleep a little bit and I'll be just fine."

"You know you are not fooling anyone." That offended her… a lot… way more than what it should have. It was true he didn't say it with bad intentions but for her that was a low blow. She took his hand to remove it from her shoulder and turned around to talk towards the airship with the rest of the approved ones.

Kurapika knew that talking to her wouldn't be the best idea, but he had to admit that he had… curiosity. Yes, that's how he'd define it. He followed her a few stops behind, staring and evaluating her as he did so. Something was still off. Suddenly she stopped.

"Now you are going to follow me?" She said without turning around.

"I don't have any motives to do that, I'm so supposed to walk in this direction as all." He shrugged.

"Then walk in front of me." She turned around and waited for him to star walking, a few moments passed before that happened, but instead of just pass her by he stopped right next to her and held her arm, making her walk with him. "What are you doing?"

"Making sure you get relatively safe into the airship." He simply answered.

She thought for a few seconds in what he said and came to three conclusions. First: even if he may deny it, he does have some sort of interest in her. Second: that the best answer in that moment was to smile and murmur a _"thank you"_. And third: she didn't like the sensation of being touched.

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**Author's note: this is by far the longest chapter, and from now on I like the story more. I mean, chapter 5 and after that. I'm publishing two chapters in the same date because I want to post as many as I can before having to go to IP, which is on Saturday. I don't think I'm going to able to finish it, but let's see what happens.**

**Hope y'all have a good day.**


	5. Genuineness

**Chapter 5: Genuineness**

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_Throwing up is disgusting._ I want leave._ Degrading._ I want to leave. _It's wallowing in your own filth._ I want to leave. I want to leave. I want to leave. _Never dare to do it._

Water mixed with the remains of seven grapes (7 x 3 = 21), that's all that came up; not with calmness, not with grace and delicacy. It was an explosion that stained the toilet bowl, that stained the walls and, for once, Mika felt too tired to clean up. Flying wasn't something she was used to, and this first experience didn't work quite well; it was in less than twenty minutes that she ended up in that room, fighting against the nauseas. She washed her face, swallowed what was attempting to leave her mouth—something viler than any of the lies she has ever told.

She did everything she could to avoid it and, when it finally happened, she came to one final conclusion: _"I hate flying."_

Flying meant throwing up, and throwing up meant being dirty. That's why it was so much easier to be careful about what entered her mouth instead of having to deal with any type of guilt that may push her to do the opposite. External factors, that wasn't in her plans… and }

As she rinsed her mouth, over and over again, she couldn't help but feel alone. Everyone went to do their own thing; Gon and Kilua went to explore, they even invited Kurapika whose words −words of wisdom− were _"I'll pass—it was a long day, I should rest whilst I have the chance."_

She'd love to rest.

The closest solution she found was to grab some tea (5), something comforting, warm, calming. It reminded her of those nights at home when she couldn't sleep due to so many intrusive thoughts, and how her mother would bring her a cup of tea like a price for responding so well to the therapy of the day.

She washed her hands, flushed toilet two more times, cleaned the remains of vomit, washed her hands again, and headed towards the cafeteria.

When she arrived she looked through the list of teas until finally deciding for green tea (2), when she had her cup ready she heard, with little volume control, someone call her.

"Miss Mika! We are over here!"

There's a comforting factor in hearing that boy, it feels nice, warm… and she hated it. She might have felt interested towards him, but she couldn't stand that level of happiness, of that call towards _vulnerability_. And, sadly, she already created a character that feels comfortable around him, that's why she couldn't just turn away now.

"Hey. Glad to see you, did you go to explore?"

"Yes! Hey, look, this is my friend Kilua, remember that I told you about him? Look! I told you, you are even more pale than him."

"I guess so," she commented. "Nice to meet you."

But that's not true; it wasn't nice, and she didn't like the way he looked at her, as if he was a liar that knows how to recognize the ones of his kind. She thought it was even funny in some way, bringing a new character to the game, but it scared her a little bit that said character may expose her. Someone you can't control turns by default into an external factor.

"Oye, um, miss Mika," Gon stuttered. "You don't look so good."

"I'm tired, that's all. You must be too, right? Although you seem to have so much energy."

"Yes! But… why don't you put some sugar in your tea? It'll help you."

Sugar (16) is something she didn't contemplated and something she refused to contemplate at all.

"Why would I ruin my tea by putting sugar in it?" She answered with a small laugh.

"Because," Kilua started. "We don't want to deal with a softie fainting out of the blue."

_"__Rude."_

"Kilua… don't say it like that. Miss Mika, it's because, well, it'd help you? Mi aunt used to give me sugar mixed in water when I came back home too exhausted. Here, it'll help you."

And he put sugar in her tea.

He put sugar in her tea and it wasn't a teaspoon, it was a very big tablespoon (48). She struggles to hide the uncomfortable feeling that this created in her, and instead she smiled again and faked to take a sip.

"Better?"

"Of course, thank you."

She may not be a fan of spontaneous fights −unless she is the one provoking them− but she did thank when Anita appeared to interrupt them, she did thank Leorio and his out of place comments, she did thank Kurapika for changing the subject, and she did thank Kilua's family for killing that girl's father. She thanked all of that and smiled to herself.

She thanked it because there ended up the tea and the sugar, on the floor.

"Are you alright?" Asked Kurapika, offering his hand to help her stand up, although she didn't make any sign of being willing accept his help, or to stand up at all.

"And you?"

"Did you know it's a lack of manners to answer a question with another question?" He said with a bit of irritation, irritation she wanted to provoke, irritation she wanted to turn into confusion—and to make that happen she did the opposite.

"It's not a big deal," she answered, taking the boy's hand, hoping he'd still be willing to help her. And he did, he really did. _"He should be jaded of me by now._" He helped her and stared at her as she stood up, a small feeling of emptiness as she let go of his hand. "And you?"

"I'm fin—"

"I'm fine too, if you were wondering." Leorio interrupted.

Kurapika rolled his eyes and she simply laughed, if it was genuine or not it was irrelevant, the thing is that she laughed and atmosphere changed, as if the fight hadn't occurred at all and the flipped table was just part of the decoration.

"Here, let's get you another cup of tea and sit down for a while." Leorio proposed; both of them nodded and sat down in a near table. "Where's the sugar bowl."

"Why would you ruin the tea by putting sugar in it." Kurapika answered, and she couldn't help but smile to herself. That boy was… special, one of a kind. Is that what captivated her? It was the idea of crumbling a person so well built? Because there's no point in creating relationships unless you are going to destroy them later, that's something she learnt years ago.

They talked about trivialities, things she wasn't used to—in part that's why she thanked how talkative Leorio can be, how expressive Kurapika can be with just a look. With all those things it wasn't necessary for her to say that many words.

And with all of that said, it wasn't until they decided to talk to Menchi that Mika really felt… attracted? No. Interested? Yes, but in a different way, a way that she didn't know how to name—which deeply frustrated her. What made her change her perception was listening to Kurapika lie; how the examiner got angry for being bothered and him saying _"At least we are innocent of that. We'd never do something so embarrassing."_

Because he perfectly knew that was exactly what they were going to do, interrupt. It was the way he lied with so much easiness, that genuine way to answer, to put a facade, to… defend [her?] He could have just spoke for himself, but he trying to take away any blame from her.

She never expected that from him, and she loved it.

_"__Idiot."_

Idiot for daring caught her attention. Idiot for his way of being. Idiot for his way of talking. Idiot for the graze of his movements. Idiot for his secrets and his sincerities.

Idiot for worrying about her… for genuinely worrying.

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**Authors note: finally we reached a chapter that I like more. From now on there's going to be more interaction between the characters. Although I've been way to tired to feel like translating, I'm going to try my best. This is chapter 5 and on the original story are 13 (soon to be 14) chapters so far.**

**That's pretty much it, also, I appreciate any comments you may have about this whole train wreck. Hope all of your have a nice day.**


	6. Digging

**Chapter 6: Digging**

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That tower, that tower so big must keep a lot of secrets, dead endings, more than one person watching or ready to attack… but Mika couldn't see any exit or, better said, any entry. The time passed and there were less people with each minute that passed, they seemed to just vanish—for a moment she questioned her deduction skills and, for a brief second, she pitied herself.

Ponzu wasn't there.

Kilua wasn't there.

Kurapika wasn't there…

Damn, note even Gon or Leorio were there.

She felt ashamed for how long it took her to find an entry, however there was no time for lamentations of self-pity. That wasn't the point of the exam; the point was that she had just let herself fall through that door, and that she felt a bit confused as she stood up… what were they all doing there?

Gon welcomed her cheerfully, that naïve kid that at moments gave her hope in herself… at moments, that's all, as for she didn't care for hope or looking for other's approbation. Kilua was indifferent, that's the type of reaction she liked: none at all. It was easier that way.

So… then why did her gaze wander towards Kurapika? What did she look for in him? Not approbation, more like interest. She wanted him to be interested in her because she still wanted to break him in some way, to exploit his vulnerabilities. That was it and nothing else. She didn't care for the half-smile he gave her. She didn't care for her pseudo-amiability as he explained the situation for her. She didn't care. She didn't care at all, just no.

Mika walked to grab her bracelet and, at the moment she lowered her hand, said bracelet slipped until it fell to the floor with a big, Clank! She bit her lip, humiliated and slightly confused.

"I must have put it wrong." She uncomfortably laughed at the thought of everyone looking at her, and she bent down to pick it up, making a mental note to not lower her arm again. _"They should make bracelets for people with smaller wrists—not everyone weighs a ton._" She thought, even though she knew it was her arm the one that was way too skeletal to hold that bracelet into place.

For compassion, slippery minds, or focusing on new things, the incident was never mentioned again. Everyone decided to press the button to keep going, and later three out of five chose to go to the right. the game kept going and, so far, there wasn't anything particularly exciting about it. Or at least there wasn't until they reached the first big challenge, until they heard the rules, until they saw that guy; big and imposing. It was scary.

"Who should go against him?" Asked Leorio, aligning the others as people that couldn't hold onto that fight. No one seemed to be able to do it, according to him, and no one seemed to be listening to him. Gon offered to go, Kurapika offered to go over Gon. "If Gon is at disadvantage then so are you—and specially her! She can't go, look at the size of that guy, he would break her in two!"

"May I remind you that I passed the first two exams without problem." She said, clearing her throat, slightly offended for his comment, even though she knew that was nothing but the truth.

"But it's different a resistance test against a one on one combat."

"So, should you be the one to go then?" She answered with a hint of malice in her voice, covered behind a worried look. "I mean, if I can't… if no one can… what about you? Can you? Do you really think that you can do it.

And that's how she convinced him. She convinced him and the fight was quick. She convinced him and he received a big punch, almost throwing him over the edge of the platform. She convinced him and supressed a smile as she heard him give up, as she heard him not being able to endure more, as she heard him losing the first round that he had so much hope on. She found it ironically hilarious and she mentally gave herself a pat on the back for creating such a fun show. When Leorio came back she was the first one to go and see how he was, the first one to look worried for the oh so brave fighter.

To not lose any more time, Leorio told everyone to keep going with the fights, and Gon didn't doubt about offering himself for the next round. So cheerful, so naive, and yet… it was that naïve quality and that simplicity what helped him win—easy solutions to complex problems; blowing the other person's candle would make it turn off quicker. Everything seemed to go just fine.

And that's how the third battle began. Kurapika didn't seem scared at all, he simply took of the clothes that may hinder him and stood in a fight position. If there's something Mika was hopping to see was watching that boy fight, to watch his moves, to see if he was as graceful in a physical fight as what he was on his mind.

Everything began well, until that guy showed his back.

His energy changed completely when he saw that spider. He was angry, consumed by a rage that went beyond him. Emptiness, blank pain in contrast with his eyes. A silence filled the place, maybe because no one expected that from him, maybe because of fear, maybe because of pity—or, better said, for sadness, for pain, for compassion.

How much does a person needs to suffer to have that emptiness in his heart? _"Apparently, not enough to kill."_

"I knew the tattoo was fake," Kurapika said when he went back with the others. "But at the moment I saw that spider everything went red… my rage hasn't disappeared."

That's when she knew it, that was it, that was what he was about to confess to her when they sat under that tree after finishing the first test, that's what she stopped him from saying, that's what broke him in the tunnels. And now it was so easy to see why it was so hard for him to say to it begin with.

When that rage faded away he didn't have any motives to keep fighting. It may be that said urge to kill may only appear in those moments, to fight against them, each and every one of the Genei Ryodan. The emotional exhaustion, the mental exhaustion, all those words she swallowed that day, and that at this point she's thankful she didn't say them. No. not to him.

Why not? He was just only one more, and that's how she interacts with the rest. Every single one is just another one of the bunch.

The fourth fight arrived and, when said person revealed her identity, Mika felt a strong oppression on her chest, her hands started sweating a little bit, and a weird empty feeling filled her inside. She tried to ignore Leorio's comment about how, for being a woman, she should go, and Mika simply smiled before starting to walk towards the platform, with the most neutral expression she could muster. Her intention was to go, she wouldn't have allowed anyone else to do it: this was _her_ fight.

"Look at my little girl! So big and strong—I've missed you so much in these past years."

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**Author's note: finally, this is what I wanted to write about, it's all about Mika's fight against Lelutto. How could you not have mommy issues with a mother like her, imma right? From now on there's going to be more interaction between her and the other characters—specially Kurapika.**

**Also, I imagine Lippo talking quietly from his seat as he watched this fight.**

_ ["I heard the rumour the Lelutto had a daughter, but I doubted if that was true. Poor girl, with a mother like that… it'd be good for her to eat a couple of cookis, I'd offer them to her if it weren't because it's against the rules—well, that and that I doubt she'd accept them. __What a wast that'd be.]_

**Well, that's it for now. I'm going to translate another chapter soon. I'm leaving in four days, I'll see what I can do. As always, I appreciate any reviews about the story, and I hope you are liking it so far.**


	7. Exposed

**Chapter 7: Exposed**

* * *

The air was filled with silence, a silence of disbelief, of an uncomfortable feeling out of place. It seemed like a lie, however it was nothing but the dirty truth, and what finally broke the silence was that Mika's arms fell to her sides and the bracelet hit the ground once again with a loud _clank._

She thought that at the moment she would finally see her mother again she could remain calm, that since she mentally prepared herself from the moment she entered the Hunter's Exam she could just say everything she's been thinking about, even mock her for being sentenced to a life in prison; but the only thing she managed to do was to stay there, looking, looking and listening the whispers from the other side of the platform.

"What's wrong? Aren't you going to come and give your mother a hug?" Her voice was just mockery hid behind a look of concern, and Mika could see past that, because she does it too, because that woman is her mother and that's where she learnt it. "You were always so ungrateful, after everything I've done for you," Lelutto continued. "Even after choosing such a pretty name for you, have you ever wondered about your name?"

"I don't care for what you've got to say." She finally answered. She bent down to pick up her bracelet and took a deep breath. "Let's start with the fight."

"Look at you, those wrists look beautiful, it'd be a shame if that bracelet wasn't falling off, don't you think? Those wrists look beautiful… unlike your face, why so full-looking? Is it the stress of the exam? Have you been eating more?"

"And you?" She said with anger for not having a better response; it hurt, but she couldn't allow her to win.

"Well, what kind of manners are those. You've always been so ungrateful—if it weren't because of you I wouldn't have ended up in jail, and you know it. That night you could have done something. But surely you were too busy thinking about how without me you could have opened the fridge whenever you wanted to, thinking that you were hungry. Were you? Were you really hungry or was it just the anxiety of a fat girl?"

That hurt her, more than anything—the least thing she wanted was to go back into that hellhole, to have a mother double-binding her; _if you are perfect then I love you, if you make a mistake you are nothing but a piece of shit._ And the food, the food and the horrors it carried; allowed foods, forbidden foods, foods that turn into fat and cling to your bones, foods that leak through your pores, food that stains and infects.

Will is the only thing left to protect yourself; _not eating is synonym of pureness,_ her mother used to say; _if you stay clean I'll love you forever_, she promised with fakery; _there is a body mass index that you should keep or else no one would see you as anything except a ball of lard_, she threaten her; _never go over 15,_ she ordered with sweetness; _stay thin and pure and I will love you,_ she said to give her hope.

"Your name means beautiful breeze, but looking at you I'm starting to doubt it. Just look at yourself, fat, a disaster, look at your body, all of this is a mistake, you are a big mistake that only had one simple thing to keep in mind and as soon as I get out of your life you screw everything up. Look at you! You look like that and it's your fault."

_Your fault, your fault, it's your fault, yours and no one else's._

_Your fault._

_Your fault._

_Your fa—_

"Stop it with your goddamn festival of blame!"

The scream resounded through the place, and somehow it felt so liberating; the idea of finally saying what she thinks. Her mother may have conditionate her to be submissive in front of her, but the last three years she had prepared herself to someday, finally, shut her up, although Lelutto's smile and sarcastic applauses just made her angrier, as if all of her efforts were reduced to a mere joke.

"Let's start with the battle then," she said once she finished applauding. "Since we are already into this gambling thing, I suggest we may continue with it, what do you think?"

And so they continued gambling, gaining and losing the same 10 hours between each other. It seemed like a clean and endless battle; on the background you could hear the whispers between God and Kilua, Leorio's nerves, Kurapika's… Kurapika's nothing, he didn't say anything, he was just standing there, watching, looking and feeling an oppression in his chest remembering the words Mika said to him—_"I heard my mother will be a part of this exam. I just wanted to see her again after all this time."_

This wasn't what he expected when he heard those words, and he wondered −even though he was quite sure about it− if that's the reason why she seemed so withdrawn, if that's the reason why she looked like that, "that" being that skeletal look that no one dared to mention out loud. Frail but not weak, that's something she proved during the past tests, and for a second Kurapika wondered where she got all that energy from. Was it because she wanted to see her mother so badly? Because the body can handle only so much, after that it is the will what makes us walk through impossible paths.

For a moment he felt compassion towards her and the life she had to endure, even though he didn't know much about it except for what he can deduct from the situation. 1. She never had a real family [whilst he saw his disappear in the blood], 2. She had a lot more insecurities than what she let the others see [just like him], 3. She—

"Let's make this game more interesting," Lelutto's voice cut his line of thought, and Kurapika's eyes were back to that girl that makes him wonder so much. "I bet all my hours that you have been playing with the mind of more than one of the people behind you," she smiled. "And that you have enjoyed every second of it."

Everyone remained silent, Mika's arms fell to her sides and once again you could her that loud _clank_; with that she condemned her answer. She couldn't talk, she couldn't even move or think about turning around, of denying one of the sincerest truths. She had enjoyed it, more than anything else, and in the same way she thought herself as regretful. Was she?

"You don't have a way to prove it." She murmured.

"All I need is knowing that you are my daughter, a manipulative person that doesn't really cares for other people—or perhaps you do? Do you care for someone over there? Why would it matter if they find out about this or not? You should be proud, proud of learning so well from me."

What was she supposed to answer? That she didn't care for them and lose? Or that she does care for them and admitting a vulnerability that she wasn't even sure about?... did she care? For someone, for any of them, did she care?

"So, yes or no?"

"Shut up… shut up, shut up, just, shut up for a second!"

It was true, and the situation only went on until the truth came out. Now, because of her, they lost all that time. How was she supposed to look at them now? She felt that every step she took was walking towards failure. When she left the platform, she didn't say a word, she simply sat down on a corner to look as Kilua ripped out Jones the Dissector's heart.

Una parte de ella deseaba que le arrancaran el corazón, así no tendría que preocuparse por sentir, y ese pensamiento le caló mucho más hondo en el minuto en que Kurapika se sentó junto a ella. No dijo palabra alguna, solo colocó su mano sobre su hombro y la miro, y es esa forma en la que la miró que le dieron ganas de llorar, llorar y desear no haberlo conocido en absoluto. Mas no lloró, solo se echó hacia adelante y abrazó sus piernas para no tener que seguir lidiando con la mirada del muchacho.

A part of her wanted her heart to be ripped off, that way she shouldn't have to worry about feeling, and that thought sank deeper at the moment Kurapika sat next to her. He didn't say a word, he just put his hand on her shoulder and looked at her, and it was the way he looked at her that made her want to cry, to cry and to wish she'd never met him in the first place. However, she didn't cry, she just hugged her own legs and hid her face to not have to deal with that boy's gaze.

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**Author's note: First of all, thank you to YourHomeGirlJen for commenting again. And yes, it was kind of rushed, wasn't it? I tend to skip the parts that I don't really care about and I surely did not care about that part haha sorry that it was confusing tho**

**About this chapter, this sort of relationship between Mika and her mom are kinda inspired by own mother, some parts are textual stuff she actually said to me so this chapter is a bit personal. That woman put me on my first diet when I was 9 and 15 years later I'm here, weighing 32 kilos and about to be locked up for the third time.**

**Next chapter is more about talking and small interactions, then after that I believe (I don't remember quite well) it's more about closeness and interactions. I leave in three days, imma try to reach that chapter before leaving.**


	8. Busted

**Chapter 8: Busted**

* * *

As they walked to that room they were supposed to spent the next fifty hours in the silence reigned, it was all slightly uncomfortable, and when the doors closed everyone decided to focus on their own things; Gon and Kilua played a videogame; Kurapika covered his eyes and tried to sleep; Leorio prepared himself a cup of coffee, and it was clear that he was the most restless about the whole thing—in the end it was he who broke the silence, and not in a nice way.

"Is no one going to say anything?" He said, clenching his teeth. "She's been playing with us this whole time!" but no one answered. "And you! How do you plan on explaining this?"

_Mika cleared her throat and started to speak, to speak and speak and didn't stopping except to look at each one of them in the eye._

_"__There are moments in which I inevitable remember periods of my life when I saw myself withdrawal from the real world, from the contact with the physical world beyond a room without windows, and where eventually I lost notion of time for the lack of activity or interaction with the alive world, the moving world._

_I believed that eventually you stop existing in a physical way, and that our actions lose importance as for we are not acting in front of anyone anymore: we sustain ourselves without being affected by the surroundings._

_I think that, during that time, the only moment I wondered what was behind said walls was when I could hear a skateboard passing by, the sound against the concrete, always at the same time of the day; and it was precisely in those moments when I started to question reality: when I lost and regained abruptly and hold onto it, turning into an ataraxic person._

_At moments I wonder, would it have been better for me to stay in that windowless room? Or was it really worth it to leave and let the world change me?—as for I cannot change the world."_

But in reality she kept silent, knowing that any answer she could say would be a mistake—sometimes people need to live their anger in a personal way, and if she was the target of his anger then so be it, there's nothing to do but listen. Maybe he expected her to cry, and damn well she could have had, to follow her famous game, but it wasn't worth it anymore.

"Say something! Damn it!"

"Stop, your screams are annoying." Kurapika interrupted, something that surprised her. Why? why would he help her?... was he really helping her or was that she had become too self-centred?

Maybe she just wanted a little bit of his attention.

"In which side are you?" He said bitterly.

"I'm just saying that your screams are annoying, and that in that way we're getting nowhere."

"What do you propose then? I refuse to keep going with a traitor, with a manipulative bitch."

"So," she started. "Hold on until we get out of this tower. Now you don't have the option to get away from me, so you better get used to the idea."

Leorio cursed again and went to sit on a corner, he needed to process everything that just happened, and Mika knew it, it wasn't worth it to lose energy fighting, especially knowing that everyone will eventually leave once they get to know her true intentions, that everyone eventually leaves, or better said, she wanted everyone to leave; it was easier that way, she told herself, that way it's—

Surprise, that was her genuine reaction when she felt Kurapika's hand on her shoulder. "Let's go for a coffee? (5)"

She could have refused, accept the consequences of her actions and stay aside from interacting with any of them for the who-knows-how-many hours were left. But she couldn't, there was something in that boy's look that made her feel uncomfortably understood, uncomfortably vulnerable. She wanted to say no, and yet the only thing she did was nodding.

They made coffee and sat on a corner far from the rest, in silence, a silence waiting to be broken. She was about to say something, but he cut her before any words left her mouth.

"I don't judge you," he said. "You may think I do, but I don't."

"How foolish of you."

"Are you sure?" No, she wasn't sure. Actually, she wondered if the fact that he didn't judge her made him the better one of the two.

"From the beginning I thought there was something weird about you." He confessed.

"How smart." She said, rolling her eyes.

"What did it feel like to see your mother again?"

"What did it feel like to see me getting mentally beaten down?"

"Did you know it's a lack of manners to answer a question with another question?" He smiled and she laughed, clear and genuinely. "I wondered of how hard it must have been to grow up with that kind of mother, willing to emotionally explode her daughter to the point of triggering illnesses in her," he answered. "Now it's your turn."

"I thought…" was it worth it to answer with the truth? There was a something in the question that bothered her, and yet she felt willing to answer with the truth. _Just for this once_, she told herself. "I thought I was going to be more prepared. I hate her, but I keep looking for some sort of validation that she's never gonna give me."

"Is there where you get all the energy that your body doesn't has? From spite?" It wasn't a malicious question, it was just his way to dig into the why of the resistance of a body that should lack energy.

"More or less… actually, I cheat, if you could say it." She looked into her bag and took out a little box that, when she opened, was filled with small berries. "Calories are energy, and at the lack of it I use these; 137 each one, it's worth it. They put your body into alert state; my mother used to give me these when she wanted me to do physical activitie… or when she refused to give me real food. The effect is instant, and it lasts a couple of hours."

"You… do you really think you are…?" He didn't finish, once he let that out he realized how out of place that question was. Instead he denied with his head and took a sip of coffee.

"That I'm what? Fat?" She asked with indifference. Kurapika simply nodded without looking at her, instead his gaze was fixed on his cup. "Yes, I do. The fact that people doesn't believes it's a different thing, but I'm convinced about it—I also don't think I have a problem with food."

"So…"

"So nothing. Food is just food, and it all tastes the same: a bit like failure."

And with that the conversation should have ended, but it wasn't like that. There were too many hours left to remain in silence. They talked, they talked and said trivial things that led to nonsensical things and that led to [allegedly false] confessions—or at least that's what they said to not admit vulnerabilities.

When they finally were allowed to leave the room they faced one test after another—a rock ready to crush them down, sneak between laser beams; nothing too complicated, or at least not until they reached that final test, that last door: 3 or 5 may pass…

Leorio didn't wait to offer Mika as the one to stay, she didn't refuse.

"I already finished what I came here for…" she resigned. "I don't care if you doubt about my intentions, I pretend nothing—from the beginning I was aware that I was going to hurt people. I guess it's just my personality." She finished with a laugh that she cut abruptly after hearing Gon.

"No, I feel the good inside you."

"Stupidies." She insisted.

"If you really were bad," started Kurapika. "Gon would have noticed by now, that kid has a something specially for feeling people."

"Shut up…"

"The more we fight the more time we lose."

She reluctantly agreed to collaborate, everyone working together so they could leave that place. In the end it worked, they managed to finally get out and hop into the airship. In that moment she decided she was going to stop talking to those four, it wasn't worth it anymore, the game was already over just like her reason to take that exam—and the shame after the result was something she couldn't handle.

On a given moment Kurapika put his hand on her shoulder to finish a pending conversation −or maybe to start a new one−, but the pride that she holds on too tightly was too big to give in.

"Don't touch me again." She concluded.

* * *

**Authors note: the day after tomorrow I leave, so I've been translating kind of quickly to finish as many chapters as possible. I'm going to try to post the next one before I leave. Also, I want to remind y'all that this is based on the 1999 anime, that is important not only because of Lelutto's reason for being into jail but also because I wanted to add the ship part; that's what the next two chapters are about.**

**Also, I like the quote "Food is just food, and it all tastes the same: a bit like failure."**

**Best wishes to all of you.**


	9. Openness

**Chapter 9: Openness**

* * *

To keep a certain weight was just another game, a game of numbers—that's where she learnt to be so quick with maths. It's all about numbers; calories in, calories out. If you manage to stay in your basal metabolic range then your weight won't fluctuate.

Or else how could you explain being 34 kilos for years?

For Mika it was just another twisted game that she couldn't stop playing, even if sometimes she'd like to surrender. Surrender against who though? It's not like she felt trapped, however she didn't feel completely in control. Whilst she was in the airship she forced herself to eat, alone, a cup of rice (210), and the nauseas of the ship made her throw up again. How many calories did she really consume? It frustrated her, not knowing, not having the exact count.

Although seeing Leorio being equally nauseated made her feel a sting of pleasure, specially being him the one who showed his sickness in public, unlike her and her fixation on not looking vulnerable in front of others. _"That rancorous bastard."_

The White Palace of the Ocean, that's what they called that ship, that expensive ship that seemed unreachable. And, even though Leorio proposed to stay outdoors, Mika felt a hint of interest for Kurapika and his comment so on point about the lack of water that it may imply. "_Stupid smartass."_

Looking through the debris was hard, but what she found even harder was to not pry among the others. She crossed paths with Kilua, who ignored her with the usual coldness, and she couldn't be more grateful. _"Little truant."_

Eventually she was Kurapika again, in the distance, talking about how this might be a part of the exam as well. Making comments about every artefact that was found, _"Shut up for one goddamn moment."_ It wasn't that she was bothered by what he was saying, it's just that she couldn't handle the sound of his voice. Not after having talked so much with him.

When she came back she exchanged a few words with Ponzu, probably the only person she was willing to have any sort of social interaction with.

"What did you find?" She asked her.

"The earring that I'm wearing, I didn't know where to put them," Mika admitted, leaning a little closer to show the crystals that were hanging from her ear. "What about you?

"They are beautiful! Wow, I'd love to keep them for myself," she laughed. "I found this." She looked into her purse and took out a mirror framed with jewls. "I'd love to keep this one too."

Mika held the mirror with the excuse of looking at the jewels, but in reality she just wanted to see her face for a second. The bags under her eyes were too prominent, it always happens when she throws up −something that doesn't happens too often− and her hair needed a brush with urgency. She leaned the mirror a little and there he was again, presenting what he just found.

That pendant… you could see his pain, you could see the fire of the salamander burning deeply into his mind, in those memories he wasn't willing to let go. After receiving the key his walk was slow but determinate, as if he had something in his mind.

Mika took of her earrings and presented them.

"Do you know which crystal is this?" Banna asked with kindness.

"Mostly, yes," Genna answered. "But they are also of devotion and repentance." He took one of the earrings and offered it to Mika. "You should keep one, it'll do you good, I'm also giving you the key to one of the rooms."

She didn't know if she should feel offended or thankful. What did he mean with "it'll do you good"? As if she had something to repent about, especially her being someone so cynical to even think about regretting any of her actions. But instead of acting frustrated she smiled, put he earring on her right ear, thanked, and went to look for her room.

When she arrived she decided to knock before walking in, there were so many weird people in that bunch that she was mentally preparing herself for whoever may be her roommate. When they answered her with a "Come in" she wanted to turn around and run away. _"Anyone but him."_

She slowly opened the door and stood there looking at him, he seemed equally surprised to see her there, standing on the door frame. No one wanted to break the silence, and it's on that same silence that she closed the door, walked towards the unused bed, and carelessly dropped her bag. The box in there fell and many berries scattered through the floor.

"Shit!"

She quickly knelt down to pick them up, and eventually she found out she wasn't the only one doing that. They looked at each other in silence; finally, one in front of each other, they knew they were no one—no one without their words, no one because of their words. There was this ineffable tension between the two. Their hands could have touched, but they didn't. In some way they managed to keep the visual contact without looking away for shyness or pride.

Eventually she came out of that trance and kept collecting the berries, pretending as if he wasn't there. If you don't acknowledge the existence of a person then nothing guarantees you that they are still there. And yet, he kept helping her to pick everything up. When they finished he didn't smile, like it could have been, he simply felt the need to tell her that he was going out. She wanted to ask where, but he answered first saying that she knows where.

And she did, although she debated with herself whether to follow him or not. The White Palace of the Ocean felt more like a prison for a brief moment, and in the end she decided to follow him out of that place.

"The Scarlet Eyes, like fire," he explained when he felt her there. He told her why his tribe was massacred, he told her all those things that were fitting into the imaginary puzzle she had created about him. "Even now I can hear the emptiness of their eyes calling me." He told her, and she listened and for once she didn't feel the need to answer; she just wanted to hear[him], even understand[him], and not to destroy[him].

The only thing she managed to do was to put her hand on his shoulder, without saying a word, and to look at the fire that burnt in front of them, and to feel the fire burning inside of Kurapika.

_"What happened to the don't touch me?"_ He thought.

_"It's different if I touch you."_ She thought.

* * *

**Author's note: tomorrow I leave to go to IP again. I lost another kilo so I'm guessing that I'm going to be there for a long while. My goal was to hit 30 before going there but I missed it by a kilo. En fin, it's going to be six months at least until I translate the next chapter. The original story has 14 so far, I couldn't finish it in time either.**

**I appreciate any comments, I'll read them when I get the chance. For now it's a goodbye. Hope y'all take care.**


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